can’t sleep. did the usual tossing and turning to find a good position. finally i found myself on my back, arms flung out to the side, looking as if i’d been crucified to my sealy posturpedic. in the quiet of my room i squeezed my eyes shut, thought pleasantly about pleasant things, counted (no sheep, just numbers), enjoyed the subtle movements of my cat next to me as he bathed himself, and still… awake! my brain just kept churning up all the things i didn’t want to think about: weight, unemployment, looming poverty, fat, loneliness, insomnia, doctor’s appointments, not exercising, never amounting to anything, fat… i hate my brain. apparently it hates me too.
the truth is, i haven’t slept in several days. all because of an unscheduled Deep Blue Funk (DBF). and this is what? week two of Zombie Diet and already i feel like a failure. and though i know it’s my usual depression, the unexplained feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness that have occasionally possessed me since my teen years, but really? this was supposed to be a new beginning. a way to deal with those sudden DBF’s. WTF happened??? no matter how “natural” or “out of my control” this may be, i blame myself for all of it because i didn’t go to the gym last Thursday. bad, Zombie Girl, bad!
getting back on track is the worst part. in my head it seems so easy: get up, get dressed and get out there and eat some life! you know, before it rises up and starts eating you! but it’s not easy. at least not for me and my deranged way of thinking. i dread getting up because everything that follows fills me full of fear and anxiety. and now that time to get up is quickly approaching; the fear and anxiety are building. i’m not making any plans for myself for today because let’s face it, i won’t achieve any one of them. that’s my story and i’m sticking to it.
zombies, take me now!